Life Expectations

There are days where I just need to share my thoughts and opinions. This will be a very sentimental and personal post...I had the time and the inspiration for it. For those who don't like this, don't worry - reviews and beauty posts will comeback next week as usual. 

After answering one of the questions made on my last post and the reaction that a fellow friend had (Thank you Emi !) I felt I had to share a bit more. I'll be turning 21 this year. Back when I was a teenager I thought that if I were single at this age it would be a nightmare and my life wouldn't make sense. Pretty much because I was living according to other expectations and life's...oh and because I was still dealing with a hugeee lack of self-steam and self-love. Yes. Bullying. 

Bullying is something that, until this day, I will never understand. It all started when I got my first pair of glasses. Yes, you read it right. I have sight problems since I was a little girl and it's something I couldn't run from since it's pretty much genetic - my dad, my grandparents, grandaunts, cousins , all of them need to use glasses. It's not the end of the world. But apparently to those people, it gave them the power to pick on me. When they finally understood that picking on that wasn't ok, they would choose something else (my horrible hair - which at the time, because I didn't had the knowledge, wasn't exactly the prettiest; my reading tastes - apparently liking Dan Brown at 12 years of age isn't nice because I have to read what the rest of the kids read ; liking anime and manga - because "you don't understand anything" or "it's for kids" (of course...Tsubasa OVAS are really appropriate for kids...) and a bunch of other things). 

My self-steam was really low. The only thing that prevented me from getting into really bad relationships was the fact that everybody would say "you need to get a boyfriend" and the last thing I had was my really huge stubbornness (thank you grandma for that, it's a lovely trait) because I would say "no, I DON'T WANT to get a boyfriend". Specially because I was 13 and had perfect clear in my mind that I was still way too young for that. 

With high school and a new environment, I finally let myself go. I had this huge crush on a boy from my English class. The problem was, I was still dealing with scaring from bullying. I didn't know how to deal with people sometimes. So I would act crazy every time I saw him - I would froze. not be able to talk normally with him , I would shiver if he walked next to me...Crazy I know, but I was really young and was also dealing with problems at home. But in the end, when I - in a very clumsy way, which I don't recommend anyone - decided to tell my feelings, I ended up being played by one of his friends. 

I ended up getting blocked. It was too much for me.To cope with that, Kpop was what I would invest in. I was lucky enough, at the time Run Devil Run, Go Away and other powerful songs had been released, so my playlist was interesting. I started to get curious about their looks and I found my way into Youtube and beauty videos. 

When high school ended, I was already in a transitioning phase. I wasn't that little girl that would keep things for herself. (I actually had to stand up against a bully during the last days of school. Better than that, was having friend that would back me up and say "you know what? that's wrong, you are wrong, back off" ). 

But to keep good friends, bad ones had to go. I had this "best friend" that was acting...strange. You know when people say something, preach it 500 times, don't want to have it done to themselves but do it to others? Yeah.It got to the point were we had to stop. We argued about something and she wanted me to say that she was right, when I couldn't. She decided to act like a child and I let her go. Best thing ever. 

With this break, I was able to explore other fields, talk with other friends and re-evaluate what friendship is, what I needed in a friendship and what changes I had to do. Nowadays I have an amazing relationship with my best friend. There are things were we don't agree and it's okay - we talk about like adults and even when we argue, 2 hours later, it's nothing. And no matter what, we are here for each other. We always know how the other thinks and reacts - which is funny, specially when there are other involved. We don't say yes to everything, but we also don't crash and make one another feel bad. 

The other girl? Well...she wanted to revive our friendship but I pushed her back. I knew she hadn't grown up (in fact, she didn't at all, she still acts like before....high school is over you know? ) and that it would be a matter of time until we would be in another fight. I made a good decision and I truly feel sorry for her. 

So, why am I writing this? People always have expectations and mould others around their one expectations. According to a lot of people, I'm a failure because I never had a relationship and a guy telling me "yeah, you're pretty". Guess what, I'm not.

Over the time, I found self-steam, I found that I can love myself - not in a narcissistic way okay? - I found that I have amazing and strong people in my life. I found out that I don't need to have another person to define myself. Yes, I would love to find someone to Love, don't get it wrong. But I want to do it when it's right and okay and when I find the right person. I won't be jumping to the first guys that shows up. No, sorry. I won't engaging a relationship to forget A or B. No, Sorry. 

I'm a different person, I am who I am. 

The boy from my high school crush? He is living his life happily. I only wish him all the luck in the world and I now know that, even if he had said "oh okay, let's start something", it wouldn't go too far. We are way too different - he likes to party and attend discos, I like to stay at home and wait for Kpop videos. I would end up hurt and anyway - with or without relationship. 

 

(photo from here )

The previous photo resumes what I feel. (thank you Disney for creating Elsa!). I don't want to be defined by if I have or not a boyfriend. I rather be defined by who I am. I'm the girl that loves to write until late at night. I'm the girl that love to listen to music until late (on my MP3, don't worry). I'm the girl that love to read and constantly likes to stalk her aunts book stock. I like to search for Dr.Phill episodes and Documentaries about North Korea. I like to know other cultures and languages. I'm someone that has a lot to offer but I won't give it to the first person that show up. They have to earn it, just like I earn my self-steam back. I sound harsh, but I don't want to get hurt. As soon as I see that that person is playing me, I'll stop it.
During the Architecture Semester, there was this guy that I thought it was a nice one and that I might end up having something else. We started this nice...friendship? Anyway...things got strange. So that you can understand, on a Monday he would say "oh I don't like A, I would never have anything to do with her" and talk about his girlfriend; on Tuesday he would say "oh my ex this, my ex that", on Wednesday he would say how he might want to have a relation with A and on Friday he would spend his time with A and ignore me. So, on the next week I would get away from him...and than he would come after me for attention. This went on and off until after talking with a friend and Christmas break, it wasn't good. He probably didn't know what he wanted in the first place and, I shouldn't waiting for him. I let it go and it was the best thing I did.
I wanted to share this really huge piece of words with you. I'm sorry if I've scared you, it wasn't my intention...Above anything, I'm glad that I am who I am. I know that the right person will eventually show up. I just hope that he gets to understand my Harry Potter references.